While I haven't been a Christian for my entire life, I have been going on a strong 7 years walking with the Lord. Part of me looks back on old journals and longs for the time that I had an innumerable amount of unanswered questions.
Back in March, I heard God speak louder me than ever before. Not in a quiet leading whisper kind of way, but in a way that brought every cell in my bones to life. He was calling me to intern with Red Rocks Church. (Read more about my journey here).
However, since that moment my relationship with Jesus has been utterly silent. At first I didn't think much about it, but then with time I realized that His spirit wasn't speaking to me. I felt frustrated. I stopped writing. I spent all my time praying for Him to come back.
Side note: how selfish is that!? There are people all over the world who don't know the Lord, but I felt the need to spend time asking for His presence in MY life... not theirs. It makes my heart break for them all the more.
The hardest part about all of this is that a ton of huge life moments happened in this cold-shoulder period of my relationship with God.
I got engaged. GIANT life step... (especially for a commitment-phobe like me). And the insecurities that followed that little "yes, Alex" has been overwhelming. I began to think that God wasn't talking to me because I had done something wrong.
Over time, my Bible began to collect more dust than it ever had before. The girl who went through two journals a year didn't finish make a dent in the amount of pages in 8 months.
I poured myself into production in order to gain His attention again. It was tiring and not healthy and not biblical, but I did it anyways.
And then, two nights ago, He spoke to me. We were praying as a group and I found my eyes open and my mind wondering. That's when I felt my heart remember the word, constant.
My heart skipped a million beats and I was drenched in emotion. God is real. God is constant. And he is willing to speak to me.
I took His voice for granted before, but won't for a long time. I guess, I write all of this because I finally understand what it's like to go without Him. It has re-broke my heart for the lost and it's a reminder all the more that we have to share the Gospel because people don't know what they're missing.
Our hope. Our faith. Our peace. All comes from Jesus. And as badly as I missed His presence, I knew He was always with me and that's more than what most of the world can say.